Oh the power of an anonymous note.


I suppose the ruckus it caused really just adds to my life of mess and unfortunate coincidences- you know, like that Lemony Snicket series, just more coincidental.


My life can be summed up with a sarcastic shrug and "whoops."


I feel a post about how unfortunate my coincidences actually are coming on very soon...

I remember sanity.

Nope.
This is not it.

Slip, slip, slip.
Losing grip, losing grip...

War all the time.

I am becoming aware of the amount of people my age suffering from anxiety disorders and panic attacks.

At least half of my friends are on some sort of medication, whether it be an antidepressant or anti-anxiety shit.

What has happened in this world that 20 year olds are being drugged up just to get through the day?


It wasn't always like this.
This age group wasn't always the anxious, unhappy bunch that I am a part of now.
When did it change?

Ever judged someone before you knew them?
Ever watch the way they walk with their head down with their stupid haircut and unnatural dye job and shudder as their voice sinks through the air like a paper plane made by a blind kid?
Ever hated someone just because they took the person you wanted?
Ever find out that this person has a past worse than your sorry ass?



My foot is now jammed so far into my mouth that my teeth are leaving little bead indentations on my ankle, making a nice, ironic, self-loathing anklet.
A good example of what blindly hating can eventually do to your pride.

Where has humility gone?

"We can be negative and cynical or we can be charged and hotwired to find a way through it, over it, around it, under it.

What has led me here?

What has me up google-ing "cynical quotes" and looking at designer flat boots on Bluefly.com in vain?

A shitty sleep schedule and numerous battles with my self-implosion.

It's what leads any of us here.
How do you overcome cynicism while still holding onto your pride?

I'm pretty sure my insides are black and resemble tar.
I don't even smoke cigarettes.

This is the first time that I have ever looked at people who engage in recreational drug use and felt like I was missing out on something. Why can't I be brave enough to let go of the kung-fu grip I have on my life and just smoke a bowl with other kids my age who have no idea what my name is but like the fact that I speak with a Long Island accent?

I am a 21 year old hiding in alcoholism and judging the rest of the world as they smoke and snort and shoot up.

And I want to be just like them.