"I'd like to see you have your way. C'mon have your way with me."

At work, V.O. tells me stories of her youth.

She is 53 years old and says the funniest things sometimes.

Today, she told me a story about her and her man friend sneaking off during one of their programs to make out in a closet.

Words can't describe the smile on her face as she was reliving it.

Her roommate, S.P. is feisty and a real trouble maker.

At 31 years old she loves the Disney Channel and shrimp.

Yesterday, she was on the phone talking to one of her friends in spanish and asked me, "Emily, do you know spanish?" I nodded and she said, "Ohhhh noooo!"

We go out and smoke cigarettes on their back porch and talk about their days and we had a dance party to "I Got You Babe" when they were doing their chores on Saturday.

Needless to say, I love my job.

"So, fuck you."

It's a liberating feeling to finally let go of the two people that have hurt me the most.

It took a long time, but I'm doing it.

The key is to stay on this path.

I've tried letting go before, but I always relapse.

This time it's for real.

No more, "How are you?" no more, "Happy Birthday" no more, "We should meet up."

In about one week, I'm getting a new phone number.

This summer has been going by way too quickly for my liking, but I've changed so much that I think this summer has been the best.

It's only when we take care of ourselves that we can start truly loving ourselves.

"I am ready to be new again."

Finally.

"Control yourself, take only what you need from it."

The information that was thrown at me today has left me paralyzed.
No amount of crisis counseling training could have prepared me for this.



There are rarely times where I can't verbalize my feelings.
This is definitely one of them.

"Dr. Jekyll is wrestling Hyde for my pride"

DISCLAIMER:
If you know me well, then you might want to skip over this post.
You've already heard my rant about this one.


I've had plenty of "suitors" over the last four years.
They all had excuses for me.
So if you happen to have one, I've heard it all.


Scenario 1:
"It's the distance."
(He lived in Brooklyn. He's now dating a foreign exchange student from Japan.)

Scenario 2:
"I'm gay."
(He lied.)

Scenario 3:
"I wish things were different & that I met you sooner. I'm already in love with my girlfriend & I can't leave her."
(He stayed with his girlfriend for another two weeks and then was on to the next.)

Scenario 4:
"There's someone else."
(I've heard this one a good number of times.)

Scenario 5:
"I'm not ready for a relationship."
(Facebook notice: *blank* is now in a relationship. Oh.)

Scenario 6:
"It's okay. We don't have to have sex. I'll take you home."
(He never spoke to me again. And then told his friends that I was the one who asked him to have sex in his car.)

And, my FAVORITE.

Scenario 7:
" . . . "

If you are wondering why I haven't had a boyfriend, here are the reasons why, according to a boy from Jersey. (Yes this was actually sent to me. The grammar is not my fault.)

"I mean you wonder why a you NEVER had a bf, not knowing much about you I can give you quick examples why,
you fuck on the first night, which gives us nothing to aim for the next time
your still in the phase of omg lets get drunk every night, really not attractive, unless your into one night stands, which you clearly are
your fat .. well not totally just somewhat but guys are shallow pricks
you constantly need attention, I mean your not a fuckin puppy, your 22years old, its ashame the only way you get attention is to spread your legs."

Yeah. I cried about that for days after the fact. And I now have a self-image complex and can't see myself as anything but fat.

Not all of these guys were bad guys. In fact, most of them were really good guys.
Good guys that held my hand and looked into my eyes and told me I was beautiful.
Hah.

Don't hold my hand. Don't kiss my forehead. Don't take me home to meet your parents. Don't look into my eyes and tell me I'm beautiful.
Because I don't fall for that shit anymore.
In a way, I wish I did.

When will the bullshit end?
Actually, the real question is, WILL the bullshit end?

Sorry for the pity party.
I just felt the need.
Now I must drive an angry 2.5 hours upstate.

"Oh, camera take your eyes off of me. 'Cause I know I'll be forgotten in time... just like I want."

All of us leave something behind when we leave this world.
A rotting carcass, of course, but it's more than that.

What will be your legacy?
What will you have contributed to this world?

Will it be in your children?
In the form of the written word?
An inspirational speech.
A song.
Photographs.
An heirloom.

I hope I can leave behind something more than this blog, my journals, my 8,000 song library, a $500 guitar, a closet full of American Eagle clothing, disgustingly worn in Chucks and ridiculous purple sunglasses.

Maybe I'm just being morbid. I do think of these things though.

"WE'RE ALL JUST SKULLS IN THE END."

I'm tired. And as always, I'm hungry.

"But when they robbed her of her infinite smile, she said, 'Maybe I'll just play dead for a while.'"

"What happened to you?"

It's a daily struggle to accept myself for who I am and to deal with that question from people that love me.

The funny thing is, I can't even answer it.
I have no idea what happened to me.
I grew up?
I found out people are full of shit?

If I could answer the question, I think I'd feel much better about who I am.

I feel like my present doesn't match with my past.

Sure I make people laugh now. Sure I am a stronger person now.
But I'm not the girl with the big dreams and plans anymore.
I'm not the girl that wanted to be a Broadway star and truly believed she'd make it there.
I'm not the girl that believes that, "the greatest thing is to love and be loved in return."

Friends might say that I am still that girl and that I'm really not the type of person that I am right now.
But if they're so positive about that, then why can't I be?

I'm just trying to accept and love myself. It may not be the way that others think I should go about things, but I can't accept myself if I keep thinking about who I was.

She's long gone.

If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived?

"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions." - Alfred Lord Tennyson

It's been a while since I've written about something that makes me laugh in its face... well, if it actually had a specific face, I'd be laughing in that general direction.

People who claim they are not passionate about anything.
How do you even get out of bed in the morning?
What are you really living for?

The best people I have met are passionate about music, art, love, human or animal rights, academia, law, science...
I know several people that are floating along without any sort of drive.
I've known one of these people for close to a decade now, and they have never expressed anything they were passionate about. They fall into things and although they don't have any interest in it, they carry on and that's fine with them.
Sometimes I wonder if that's why they're unhappy most of the time.
There probably is something that they are passionate about, but it's nothing that's been surfaced.
At one point there was a person that they were in love with for years. They finally dated this person, but things died, ending pretty badly and I'm sure that's when my friend's passion left.

I care about them, so I'm left to worry. I just want them to be happy.
I truly believe that to be happy, you need passion.

What happened to you that you lost it?
Where did it go?