Dear Ms. Leading,

I regret to inform you I've fallen out of lust.
It must be so hard to understand.
Did you really think me a fool enough to play along?
And make believing everything you said was true
Push your pouting lips on other unsuspecting lovers

Love,
The Dear Hunter

5.05.2011

Boomerang Generation Challenge

I read, "I'm not gay, my butt is," off of a crumpled paper chef's hat thrown over one of his mom's knic-knacks in the basement.

His makeshift coffee table was two stacked boxes of Pfaltzgraff dinnerware.

"Why do you got your arms crossed all the time?"

After he made an argument that essentially insulted my education in interpersonal communication, he told me that I was "cute" a number of times- as if that mattered more than a $100,000 thought in my head.

He left the basement to use the bathroom several times, and one of those times, I actually said, "What am I doing here?" out loud to myself.

I laughed until tears started to form in my eyes, then quickly wiped them away as I heard his heavy footsteps bounding back down the stairs.

"I wanted to be a marine, but I wouldn't be allowed with this tattoo I got on my wrist... then I thought about the navy, but I got this job at the warehouse."

This is a scene that I have grown to know well.
On a "date" in the basement with his mom upstairs, no car, dead-end job at a warehouse, "shoulda, woulda, don't really give a shit."

When did my generation get stuck in these concrete cracks of our nation?
When did I start hating every one that doesn't have one ambitious thought in their head?

This "boomerang" generation is... well... overall, we're lazy pieces of shit.
I would blame technology and the overwhelming accessibility to wrong information, but that would be taking the easy way out.

My argument has little to do with people's choice to pursue higher education or not, because plenty of people that go to trade school or get jobs after high school have motivation to succeed and then do so.
My argument is simply based on the fact that somehow, the majority of twenty-three/twenty-four-year-old men I meet aren't the kind of men I see making a difference in this world.
Maybe I'm being too judgmental, but is demonstration of ambition too much to ask of a generation that has close to endless possibilities?

We were born in the United States and we live during a time where we are able to get pretty much anything we want- as long as we are willing to try.

I joke around about how I think I'm here, just "floating" through life all of the time because I haven't necessarily found a career or life path yet, but these guys in the basement smoking weed and just getting by truly bother me.
They have more potential than they'll ever be aware of. But they don't care.

I especially hate when these guys (all the same boring archetype) talk about the possibility of pursuing a career in armed forces. I'm sorry, but that is not the easy way out, nor will it "straighten" you out like you think it will. It's an insult to the friends and family I have that have served if you have nothing but selfish intentions and think you have "no other option." It's called the service for a reason, asswads. You're serving this nation. You know, the one that gives you the right to sit in your parent's basement and not give a shit.

I might be completely wrong about a lot of this, but the people I keep meeting are all the same lazy shell of a human being. They may be more than that, but that's not what they're communicating to the world.

Maybe they'll wake up after their 20s, but do they ever question the impact they're making on others' lives like I do?
What makes me special?
What can I do to educate people and make them think?
What can I be to help make the changes I want to be made possible?

All I ask of our generation is to at least try and make a difference in the world we live in. I don't know how people go through life without wanting to fight for some sort of cause- whether it be education, animal or human rights, the legal system, or sustainable energy. We are all products of a nation that has an accessibility to organizations and causes that no one has ever had before... so why not take advantage of that?

My sixty-three-year-old co-worker told me that he believes in our generation so much that he thinks we can truly change the world.
I just don't see it.
I hope we prove me wrong.

8.10.2010

"Content with loneliness, 'cause none of it was ever worth the risk."

Internet dating scares the crap out of me.
Mostly because it amplifies my fears of not knowing and not trusting a person.
I've met people face to face that have presented themselves a certain way and then when it came down to it, they weren't the person I thought.

I'm left to feel that if people can manipulate and fool me in real life, then of course they're trying to pull the wool over my eyes over the internet.

We are who we are because we've learned to be this way... it's conditioning.

And you may ask me, "Emily, how can you just not trust people right away like that? Not everyone is a dickweed. That's not fair."

But my response is, "I'll trust the people that earn it from me."

The way I work is not, "I trust you until you've proven I can't."
It's, "I don't trust you until you prove I can."

8.03.2010

The tide is high but I'm holding on...

It's freezing in this Starbuck's. Fuck.

Today is my baby sister's 18th birthday and I feel the old settling into my body, making my joints creaky and my responsibility bone tingle... what?
I'm not sure when I hit this age of in between nothingness, where I owe the state and government thousands of dollars and I still don't have a decent paying job.

Is this the age where facebook just makes you want to beat your head against a window as you scroll through old college friends that pretend you don't exist anymore?
Because that's what it feels like.

Oh man, I'm in a depressing state here in this Starbuck's in Poughkeepsie, NY- miles away from the people that I believe care about me.
I made this choice and I have to deal with it. No more running. No more drowning.

6.05.2010

Toy Story

I’m his old favorite toy in the back of his closet
Make me do & say everything like I used to
Smile in the memories of sticky school bus seats & empty Fla-Vor-Ice sleeves
Then put me right back where I belong
In the dust & the cobwebs
He knows I won’t move until he comes back

6.03.2010

No Great Colosseum

I don't need a pillar now.
I've held myself up for years before you came along
Like mine, your foundation is faulty
You admit your cracks and weathered stone
Might be too much
I know you're trying, and I'm trying too
But I don't need a pillar right now
I need you to close your eyes
And fucking lie down

5.28.2010

Rechargeable

Rose madder cheeks
Coral-stained parted lips
Patent leather heeled shoes
Uncomfortable for me, accommodating for them
Stretch my legs to reach their stride
A stride of 30 year old wine and dancing in my mother's heels
Lining up anodes to cathodes
And kissing their alkaline mouths with my nickel-plated tongue
Electrical current through my
Patent leather heeled shoes
Coral-stained parted lips
Rose madder cheeks

Imperfections

Gap-toothed and wide eyed, my teeth were worth bills
Until they stopped escaping and braces held them like convicts
My identity crisis broke into a wild fit of piercings and hair dye
And chased adolescence with a shot of cynicism

Peeling my training bra from my shoulders
The sun left a pink stain ten years deep
I am me, cursed with heat exhaustion
Socially black-listed due to expectation asphyxiation

White lace ideation scratches my scabby, bony knees
But still I'm convinced to want lace to cover my life
To cover my eyes
With a white picket smile in the window of a kitchen
And my love-swollen hands resting on my expectant belly