Dear Ms. Leading,

I regret to inform you I've fallen out of lust.
It must be so hard to understand.
Did you really think me a fool enough to play along?
And make believing everything you said was true
Push your pouting lips on other unsuspecting lovers

Love,
The Dear Hunter

7.28.2009

"I'd like to see you have your way. C'mon have your way with me."

At work, V.O. tells me stories of her youth.
She is 53 years old and says the funniest things sometimes.

Today, she told me a story about her and her man friend sneaking off during one of their programs to make out in a closet.
Words can't describe the smile on her face as she was reliving it.

Her roommate, S.P. is feisty and a real trouble maker.
At 31 years old she loves the Disney Channel and shrimp.

Yesterday, she was on the phone talking to one of her friends in spanish and asked me, "Emily, do you know spanish?" I nodded and she said, "Ohhhh noooo!"

We go out and smoke cigarettes on their back porch and talk about their days and we had a dance party to "I Got You Babe" when they were doing their chores on Saturday.

Needless to say, I love my job.

7.27.2009

"So, fuck you."

It's a liberating feeling to finally let go of the two people that have hurt me the most.
It took a long time, but I'm doing it.

The key is to stay on this path.
I've tried letting go before, but I always relapse.

This time it's for real.
No more, "How are you?" no more, "Happy Birthday" no more, "We should meet up."
In about one week, I'm getting a new phone number.

This summer has been going by way too quickly for my liking, but I've changed so much that I think this summer has been the best.

It's only when we take care of ourselves that we can start truly loving ourselves.

"I am ready to be new again."
Finally.

7.24.2009

"Control yourself, take only what you need from it."

The information that was thrown at me today has left me paralyzed.
No amount of crisis counseling training could have prepared me for this.



There are rarely times where I can't verbalize my feelings.
This is definitely one of them.

7.23.2009

"Dr. Jekyll is wrestling Hyde for my pride"

DISCLAIMER:
If you know me well, then you might want to skip over this post.
You've already heard my rant about this one.


I've had plenty of "suitors" over the last four years.
They all had excuses for me.
So if you happen to have one, I've heard it all.


Scenario 1:
"It's the distance."
(He lived in Brooklyn. He's now dating a foreign exchange student from Japan.)

Scenario 2:
"I'm gay."
(He lied.)

Scenario 3:
"I wish things were different & that I met you sooner. I'm already in love with my girlfriend & I can't leave her."
(He stayed with his girlfriend for another two weeks and then was on to the next.)

Scenario 4:
"There's someone else."
(I've heard this one a good number of times.)

Scenario 5:
"I'm not ready for a relationship."
(Facebook notice: *blank* is now in a relationship. Oh.)

Scenario 6:
"It's okay. We don't have to have sex. I'll take you home."
(He never spoke to me again. And then told his friends that I was the one who asked him to have sex in his car.)

And, my FAVORITE.

Scenario 7:
" . . . "

If you are wondering why I haven't had a boyfriend, here are the reasons why, according to a boy from Jersey. (Yes this was actually sent to me. The grammar is not my fault.)

"I mean you wonder why a you NEVER had a bf, not knowing much about you I can give you quick examples why,
you fuck on the first night, which gives us nothing to aim for the next time
your still in the phase of omg lets get drunk every night, really not attractive, unless your into one night stands, which you clearly are
your fat .. well not totally just somewhat but guys are shallow pricks
you constantly need attention, I mean your not a fuckin puppy, your 22years old, its ashame the only way you get attention is to spread your legs."

Yeah. I cried about that for days after the fact. And I now have a self-image complex and can't see myself as anything but fat.

Not all of these guys were bad guys. In fact, most of them were really good guys.
Good guys that held my hand and looked into my eyes and told me I was beautiful.
Hah.

Don't hold my hand. Don't kiss my forehead. Don't take me home to meet your parents. Don't look into my eyes and tell me I'm beautiful.
Because I don't fall for that shit anymore.
In a way, I wish I did.

When will the bullshit end?
Actually, the real question is, WILL the bullshit end?

Sorry for the pity party.
I just felt the need.
Now I must drive an angry 2.5 hours upstate.

7.20.2009

"Oh, camera take your eyes off of me. 'Cause I know I'll be forgotten in time... just like I want."

All of us leave something behind when we leave this world.
A rotting carcass, of course, but it's more than that.

What will be your legacy?
What will you have contributed to this world?

Will it be in your children?
In the form of the written word?
An inspirational speech.
A song.
Photographs.
An heirloom.

I hope I can leave behind something more than this blog, my journals, my 8,000 song library, a $500 guitar, a closet full of American Eagle clothing, disgustingly worn in Chucks and ridiculous purple sunglasses.

Maybe I'm just being morbid. I do think of these things though.

"WE'RE ALL JUST SKULLS IN THE END."


I'm tired. And as always, I'm hungry.

7.19.2009

"But when they robbed her of her infinite smile, she said, 'Maybe I'll just play dead for a while.'"

"What happened to you?"

It's a daily struggle to accept myself for who I am and to deal with that question from people that love me.

The funny thing is, I can't even answer it.
I have no idea what happened to me.
I grew up?
I found out people are full of shit?

If I could answer the question, I think I'd feel much better about who I am.

I feel like my present doesn't match with my past.

Sure I make people laugh now. Sure I am a stronger person now.
But I'm not the girl with the big dreams and plans anymore.
I'm not the girl that wanted to be a Broadway star and truly believed she'd make it there.
I'm not the girl that believes that, "the greatest thing is to love and be loved in return."

Friends might say that I am still that girl and that I'm really not the type of person that I am right now.
But if they're so positive about that, then why can't I be?

I'm just trying to accept and love myself. It may not be the way that others think I should go about things, but I can't accept myself if I keep thinking about who I was.

She's long gone.

7.18.2009

If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived?

"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions." - Alfred Lord Tennyson

It's been a while since I've written about something that makes me laugh in its face... well, if it actually had a specific face, I'd be laughing in that general direction.

People who claim they are not passionate about anything.
How do you even get out of bed in the morning?
What are you really living for?

The best people I have met are passionate about music, art, love, human or animal rights, academia, law, science...
I know several people that are floating along without any sort of drive.
I've known one of these people for close to a decade now, and they have never expressed anything they were passionate about. They fall into things and although they don't have any interest in it, they carry on and that's fine with them.
Sometimes I wonder if that's why they're unhappy most of the time.
There probably is something that they are passionate about, but it's nothing that's been surfaced.
At one point there was a person that they were in love with for years. They finally dated this person, but things died, ending pretty badly and I'm sure that's when my friend's passion left.

I care about them, so I'm left to worry. I just want them to be happy.
I truly believe that to be happy, you need passion.

What happened to you that you lost it?
Where did it go?

7.15.2009

"In love with conflict and conflicted by choice."

Today was an interesting day.

I feel that once in a while, everyone has a day like I did today where everything they think they knew gets muddled and jumbled.

In this blog, I've written about what I think makes a person good or bad.
I've written about how people have choices and they are defined by them.

Every choice a person makes has an impact on someone else, whether they know it or not.

Are you a bad person for not making the right choices?
I'm not sure that's a judgment I am qualified to make.

Am I doing all I can to make a difference in this world, being kind and honest and mindful?

Sometimes I falter. As everyone does.

Maybe what I see as being a "bad" person is someone making the wrong choice. Nothing more.
After all, everything in life is relative. Everything is based on personal opinion from upbringing, religion and society's standards.

This entry could really go on forever questioning every aspect of life, but I won't bore the people that graciously take the time to read this. Carrying on philosophic rants was never my strong point.


On a completely different subject, I need to work on my sentence structure. My apologies to my creative writing and journalism professors.

Oh, and remember children... no hardcore dancing in the living room.
Someone could lose an eye.

7.13.2009

"You're scheming on a thing that's sabotage"

I ruined someone's life via facebook today.
Well, at least damaged his ego.
The green is me. The pink is the poor girlfriend.



Yesterday at 12:44am

You don't know me but, your boyfriend has been talking to me, having phone sex with me and trying to get me to come see him.
He never mentioned he was with you and when I confronted him about it, he said that it was a "complicated situation" and kept talking to me.
I felt it was my moral responsibility as a decent person to tell you just what kind of person your boyfriend really is.

I'm sorry if this causes you pain in any way, I don't mean to attack you or mess anything up and if you do decide to ignore this, just know that you deserve better than him and no one deserves to be treated this way.

I told [name] that I wouldn't say anything to you, but if I were in your shoes, I'd rather know.

Again, I'm really sorry and I only wish you the best.

Today at 2:10pm
Wow thanks for letting me know. This doesn't come to any suprise to me I had a feeling something was up.

The only thing that I dont understand is that you knew we were together so why were you still fucking around with him?

Today at 2:13pm
He kept trying to convince me it was all okay and that you weren't really together.
It wasn't okay and I would hate to be your position. So I told him off.
And here we are.
: /

Today at 2:19pm
Yea I understand, he's a scum bag. I was actually supposed to be hanging out with him in like an hour, lets just say thats not happening anymore. How do you even know him?

Today at 2:27pm
Here's the whole ridiculous story.

It's embarrassing to admit, but I met him through the site [censored].
I messaged him because his user name was "[censored]" or something like that and I really like that band.

We started talking back in June a lot and then he just stopped talking to me all together, so I just dropped it. No big loss 'cause I barely knew him.

Then out of no where about a week or two ago, he asked me to come out to his house for the weekend because his parents were away.

That didn't happen. When we friended each other on facebook, I realized that he was "in a relationship" and I told him I couldn't do that.

He spent a while trying to convince me it was okay, that you guys were in an in between time and that it didn't matter, so I thought about it and liked the attention he was giving me, to be completely honest, so I said okay.

Then I really thought about it. And couldn't stop feeling terrible.
And realized not only was he hurting you, but he was also using me hardcore. I wasn't about to let him get away with those things.

Do yourself a favor and cut and run now.
He's really not worth your time. You seem like such a sweet and kind person. He's told me about how into drugs he is and that's just unattractive as well. You don't need that. I'm not trying to give you advice, but... all signs point to DIRT BAG with this guy.

Today at 2:52pm
Wow that's interesting. I'm so pissed at him, thank you so much for letting me know. All the things that you're telling me let me know how real it is and that you're not lying because they all sound 100% true.

Today at 2:56pm
Just for my knowing, when was the last time you two spoke?
Today at 3:00pm
I have no reason to lie about anything I have said to you.
And you've been lied to enough already.

Good luck with everything.
I hope that you are happy with whatever comes of this situation.

I'm so sorry for everything again.
I'm really glad facebook exists.

Today at 3:01pm
That would be yesterday.
When I asked him one final time, "Are you with your girlfriend or what?"
Today at 3:05pm
You know I was saying the same exact thing. I guess facebook ruins people but at the same time it allows for situations like this to happen and I'm so greatful that you said something to me, that takes a lot of courage.

Did he ever respond?

Today at 3:08pm
Yes he said, "I told you we are, but it's just a messed up situation," something like that, basically everything he was telling me since I found out.

Thank you for understanding.
Today at 3:15pm
Alright well I hope you don't mind, I confronted him. I didn't know what else to do.

Today at 3:30pm
Nope. Don't mind at all.


...it's actually exactly what I wanted...

7.12.2009

"Run quick, they're behind us, didn't think we'd ever make it."

I could drive my self crazy over things I don't understand, or I can just accept the fact that I will never understand everything.
And just take life as seriously as a Will Ferrell* movie.



I'm 22 years old and I think I'm finally starting to get "it."
Whatever "it" is.



*Who names their son Magnus?

7.10.2009

"And I don't really give a damn about falling in love."

I think the title of this post says it all.

I've been finding joy in other things.
Music.
Colorful wayfarer sunglasses.
Driving with the windows down.
Hayley Williams.

The last thing, that has only developed recently, is children.

My dad's cousin (my first cousin once removed?) has a son named Ranger.
He's the best little two year old boy I have ever met.
I fell in love with him within the first five minutes I spent with him at a family party.
It's only then did I even consider bearing children in my future.
I have the hips for it anyway.

Problem:
Tradition has etched, "Fall in love. Get married (or not). Have kids," into my psyche.

I don't give a shit about romantic love. I haven't really since high school. It's been more of an inconvenience in my experience anyway. It's gotten in my way too many times. Besides, that shit fades. You're constantly changing. And so is the person you love. So I shit on romantic love.
Fuckin' buuuull-shit.
The only love that I believe that's long lasting is the love a mother and child have.
The way Ranger looked at his mother and the way she looked at him... I think I'm beginning to understand.

Maybe this is all just my biological clock ticking.
Ugh. I think I've gone soft.

7.09.2009

"I called her on the phone and she touched herself. I laughed myself to sleep."

The past several weeks, I've been joking about becoming a phone sex operator.

But if you really think about it... just who are these people that take on this profession?
Actors?
Nymphos?
Lonely people?

I wonder if that's where some porn stars start out.
If you know how to fake it over the phone, you can fake it in front of a camera.

I'm not judging. If you're good at something, embrace it.
Even if it is between the hours of 1 & 5am...

7.02.2009

Wash my mouth out with soap...

Some days, this world just makes me want to be a fucking bastard of a person.
I'm so full of hate that I just want to shoot everyone down.
For revenge.
For every fuck-ass who's thought they were better than everyone else and treated people like shit.
For cunt-rockets that run away from confrontation and hide behind their computer screens.
For misogynists, racists and homophobes that make life a whole lot more difficult than it has to be.
For every guy/girl that told you you're a good fuck, but they weren't ready for a relationship and then started dating your lab partner the next day.
For every fucking facebook message, IM or text I got from some asshole boy who thought they could "save" me from whatever demons they thought I needed saving from.

So I'm writing a book about the people I have had the MISFORTUNE of meeting.
The people that made me feel like there are few generally good people in this world.
Because there are.
I'm a firm believer in that every person is capable of being either kind and decent or a big fuckin' fuckhead. Everyone has a choice.
For some reason, most of the people I've met chose to be big fuckin' selfish fuckheads.

I choose to be kind and decent, but some days, goddamn, it's hard.
And then I remind myself that I would be lumped in with the rest of the mother fuckers in this world, so I continue being good.

...I didn't say I chose the easy path.