Is there a god? If so why this pain? Why this overwhelming, debilitating sadness? Why rape? Why depression? Why cancer? Why death? Why anything?
I can't appreciate anything in life if I know that there is a god and they are doing nothing to stop my friends, family and I from hurting so badly that suicide is an option. Over the past several weeks, my worst fear has happened. The laughing stopped and I thought about my life, "Shit. I'm fucked." It's terrible to know what people truly mean when they say that suicide is the "easy" way out. Because now since I've hit rock bottom, every minute that I feel nothing will get better feels like an eternity. Every hour is never ending and I want to escape. If I had the strength to move passed everything in my life and look to the future, I would. For now, I scared myself enough with a trip to the hospital to not try anything permanent. But when you have to look someone that you care about in the eyes and tell them that you are feeling hopeless, it's as if something is squeezing your lungs shut and the weight of emotion presses down on your tongue. You suddenly feel so insignificant and silly for feeling this way. But deep down, you know you're not. I wish I could just shake myself from this.
Logically, I know this feeling won't last forever. But in the cold, dark dead of night when no one is around, there is terrible panic, a wave of eerie calm and then apathy. It's the apathy that brings me to believe that things won't get better and why does any of this even matter?
What do people live for anyway? Love? Hope or faith? Pride? Responsibility? All intangible. I need something to grasp onto. Something that can slap me when I feel hopeless and lonely. Therapy won't help me find that. Meds will just numb me down from extremes. Real life zombies walk among us. I am an officially diagnosed with depression zombie.
Despite my self-awareness, I let myself slip deeper into the darkest crevices of my mind. The kinds of corners that will swallow you whole if you're not careful. The kinds of darkness that CPR might not drag you out of.
I know I'm falling. I know when it started and I know what might save me. The thing is- I don't think I truly want to be saved from this. I like who I've become. Maybe it's just stubbornness. Or determination to not abandon everything I stand for like I have so many times before this. My concentration has left me and my concept of time is fucked for good. I let everything rush passed me. And I don't care. Things are too fast-paced for the state I'm in anyway.