Dear Ms. Leading,

I regret to inform you I've fallen out of lust.
It must be so hard to understand.
Did you really think me a fool enough to play along?
And make believing everything you said was true
Push your pouting lips on other unsuspecting lovers

The Dear Hunter


"Heart is in the right place, brain is in the dirt."

Lately, my heart has been aching.
It's been aching for a number of things.

A better body image.
Hope for and faith in love.
A sense of justified entitlement.

These are the things I had once. These are the things I plan on having again.
It's just frustrating that I can't have them now.
I'm working towards Happy. And that does count for something.
My calendar is filled with exed out days and every day that slips by makes me feel that Happy will never come.

I think I'm the only one I know who can accomplish being called "hot" and then "fat" in the same day.


My friends are snoring.

Parauresis - fear of urinating in public restrooms.

Does anyone else have an insane amount of anxiety and fear once they're even near a public bathroom?
'Cause they terrify me.
Of course, I've pretty much had to use them before, but only recently have I been able to suck it up and pee. Before that, I would wait and wait until the last possible second and hope I was near home and or someone's house. I'll bet a pack of cigarettes that my bladder hates me.
I'd have to say that the worst bathroom experience was in Penn Station, right by the LI tracks.

Dis. Gus. Ting.

A vivid memory I have is a girl vomitting in the sinks and then turning around to leave and having the ridiculous, uncovered air conditioner blowing dust into my face.
Since then, they have redone the facilities and it does have a nicer appearance.
But it's still a public bathroom. Ew.

I hate the time of morning when Nick at Night ends and Nick Jr. starts. Too many bright colors moving quickly on the screen.

Well, I think I should go because it's time for a Backyardigan seizure.


"I've got these last 12 bucks to spend on you."

This summer, my group of friends and I have been finding alternate ways to be frugal with our money, but still have as much fun.
That's because just two out of the six of us have jobs.

We're just four among the 11.6 million people who are unemployed as of January 2009.
"Over the past 12 months, the number of unemployed persons has increased by 4.1 million and the unemployment rate has risen by 2.7 percentage points," as reported by the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

With the economy in shambles, it's no surprise that none of us can get hired.
As much as people aren't making money, businesses are still jacking up their prices.
It makes sense because they're also in trouble. Plenty of chain restaurants and clothing stores have shut down some locations to save money. There have also been a lot more sales and "free shipping & handling" deals. But, how do poor, in-debt college students and graduates have fun on Long Island for the summer?

-Movies: Seem to be more and more expensive every time I come home from school, where it only costs $6.50 at regular price and $4.00 for the matinee. Here, we spend about $11.00 for a movie past 5pm and $8.25 during the matinee. So, that takes movies out of the equation.
-Bars: We're all at least 21 this summer, something we've all been waiting for for about four long years. But wait- Long Island bar covers can be up to $10.00 and the cheap drinks are around $6.00. Never mind what top shelf liquor costs.
-NYC: Long Island is so close to the city that never sleeps. And there's just so much to do once you're there that the possibilities are endless. I don't have to say it. You already know. It's fucking expensive. The Applebee's in Times Square is almost double what it costs to eat at the Applebee's right up the block from where I live. Applebee's. It's not fine french cuisine. It's frozen food heated up and brought to you. What the fuck. And the LIRR costs about $20.00 round trip from where I live.

So my friends and I stay in and play video games on Wii, make perfect families for The Sims, watch or rent movies, throw a frisbee around in a park and sit on some swings, play Taboo or drink cheap wine and beer while playing "Kings."

We have no money.
Give us money.


"Oh, Oh. I do not hook up, up." - Kelly "LIAR" Clarkson

NPR on "Hooking Up"

This topic has become fascinating to me to the point where it's an obsession.
NPR made some sense of it, tying in the fact that people are more concerned with "finding" themselves and establishing a career. People are considering growing up before they settle down.
A thought that didn't occur to previous generations because women were uneducated and life expectancies were shorter- facts that I'm sure are well known. I've read studies that have proven that the younger people are married, the faster they divorce. So maybe hooking up and fooling around as we grow up is a good thing. My high school U.S. Studies teacher always told us,

"Don't get married 'til you're thirty. You'll thank me for this."

As much as I agree (straight up) with all of the points made, the part in the article that stands out is when they start to speak about how women feel that casual sex is empowering and liberating in the present day. Which I suppose is a concept that most women of the 21st century can relate to. Women are making just as much as, if not more than, men are making in the working world. They don't need a man to take care of them. They're just looking to satisfy (and quiet) the natural urge to... well... "fuck," for lack of a better term.

I guess in a way I'm concerned for myself. Am I going to keep meeting people that are just concerned with hooking up or will they also care about my feelings? In my experiences, there aren't many people in my age group that actually care about their hookups. To survive this dating world, none of us really can care. It's the same emotional detachment that's increasing in our daily communication with one another. Maybe I'm an old soul, but I'd rather be alive in those days of goodnight kisses instead of good morning pats on the back.

"In summation"*... there's no hope for a serious relationship until we're thirty.
Thanks, Mr. Kennedy. You are wise.

*I fucking hate that phrase.


Another depressing one. I'll get the better ones back soon, I swear.

Despite everything some people have put me through, I can still look past it and care about them.

I'm not sure this is a good quality anymore.
In fact, I'd say it's what has caused me the great amounts of anxiety I've experienced for four years now.

My ex told me he was gay and then proceeded to tell me that it was a lie a year later because he was mad that I wouldn't sleep with him.

And I'm still talking to him on a very regular basis.

There are only a few people I talk to that make me feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.
Those are the people that I shouldn't have forgiven.

But I guess how people treat us is how we let them treat us and we're only as respected as we respect ourselves.
So when you tell me that it's not my fault that I'm treated this way, you're wrong.
You're fucking dead wrong.


If there is one thing that I could change about myself, it would be that I didn't feel the need to apologize for things that other people have done.

Why the fuck do I feel like I need to apologize for EVERYTHING when I've done nothing wrong?
The urge to reconcile usually comes full force after someone fucks up with me.
That's right. I want to resolve things and take the blame for whatever it is that someone did. Just to avoid conflict, really.

Next time I say "sorry," and it wasn't warranted, if you're a decent person, smack me.