I'm really enjoying "The Heretic" by The Sound of Animals Fighting.
"A moment to think
Before we both sing
That beauty's a lie, so sweetly
And don't be afraid
Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid"
Simple, but touching.
I'm starting to get anxiety about how uncertain my life is at the moment.
Nothing is stable.
This used to excite me. The possibilities of life seeming endless gave me such a rush and I'd daydream and just be content with that.
But as I get older, I realize that stability is all I long for.
A steady job.
A steady routine.*
A steady support system.
A steady beau.
I have an outline of where I want to go and who I want to be.
It's just getting there that's concerning me at the moment.
And this Education of Self class made me aware of plenty of things I do that prevent me from achieving those goals. Looking at myself in this way makes me worry about myself.
Does anyone else worry about these things?
Does anyone else lie awake at night with racing thoughts of worry?
This is what causes more anxiety attacks than I'd like to admit to.
Remembering my medication everyday is getting easier and easier. But I'm not sure if it's effective. Nothing feels different. I still get overwhelmed to the point of paralysis. No fun.
Adding to all of this, I'm not treating myself with the respect I deserve. The chosen methods of destruction are those that I'd prefer not to mention. But, I'm in the process of writing a book about all of my experiences over the past four years. A book that will probably never get more exposure than this blog, but I can dream.
Where do our perceptions of ourselves end?
And where does the reality of who we are begin?
8 years ago