"Content with loneliness, 'cause none of it was ever worth the risk."

Internet dating scares the crap out of me.
Mostly because it amplifies my fears of not knowing and not trusting a person.
I've met people face to face that have presented themselves a certain way and then when it came down to it, they weren't the person I thought.

I'm left to feel that if people can manipulate and fool me in real life, then of course they're trying to pull the wool over my eyes over the internet.

We are who we are because we've learned to be this way... it's conditioning.

And you may ask me, "Emily, how can you just not trust people right away like that? Not everyone is a dickweed. That's not fair."

But my response is, "I'll trust the people that earn it from me."

The way I work is not, "I trust you until you've proven I can't."
It's, "I don't trust you until you prove I can."

The tide is high but I'm holding on...

It's freezing in this Starbuck's. Fuck.

Today is my baby sister's 18th birthday and I feel the old settling into my body, making my joints creaky and my responsibility bone tingle... what?
I'm not sure when I hit this age of in between nothingness, where I owe the state and government thousands of dollars and I still don't have a decent paying job.

Is this the age where facebook just makes you want to beat your head against a window as you scroll through old college friends that pretend you don't exist anymore?
Because that's what it feels like.

Oh man, I'm in a depressing state here in this Starbuck's in Poughkeepsie, NY- miles away from the people that I believe care about me.
I made this choice and I have to deal with it. No more running. No more drowning.

Toy Story

I’m his old favorite toy in the back of his closet
Make me do & say everything like I used to
Smile in the memories of sticky school bus seats & empty Fla-Vor-Ice sleeves
Then put me right back where I belong
In the dust & the cobwebs
He knows I won’t move until he comes back

No Great Colosseum

I don't need a pillar now.
I've held myself up for years before you came along
Like mine, your foundation is faulty
You admit your cracks and weathered stone
Might be too much
I know you're trying, and I'm trying too
But I don't need a pillar right now
I need you to close your eyes
And fucking lie down

Rechargeable

Rose madder cheeks
Coral-stained parted lips
Patent leather heeled shoes
Uncomfortable for me, accommodating for them
Stretch my legs to reach their stride
A stride of 30 year old wine and dancing in my mother's heels
Lining up anodes to cathodes
And kissing their alkaline mouths with my nickel-plated tongue
Electrical current through my
Patent leather heeled shoes
Coral-stained parted lips
Rose madder cheeks

Imperfections

Gap-toothed and wide eyed, my teeth were worth bills
Until they stopped escaping and braces held them like convicts
My identity crisis broke into a wild fit of piercings and hair dye
And chased adolescence with a shot of cynicism

Peeling my training bra from my shoulders
The sun left a pink stain ten years deep
I am me, cursed with heat exhaustion
Socially black-listed due to expectation asphyxiation

White lace ideation scratches my scabby, bony knees
But still I'm convinced to want lace to cover my life
To cover my eyes
With a white picket smile in the window of a kitchen
And my love-swollen hands resting on my expectant belly

Maybe Metaphors or Similies

This would be so much easier
if you would let me know
Instead, I'll sail through lava rivers
and tear apart each layer of your soul
You have a way with difficulty
like the tango does, intricate with lust
Yet, you're the one person I don't hate writing about
That is, until I spontaneously combust