Dear Ms. Leading,

I regret to inform you I've fallen out of lust.
It must be so hard to understand.
Did you really think me a fool enough to play along?
And make believing everything you said was true
Push your pouting lips on other unsuspecting lovers

The Dear Hunter


Is there even a point to writing other than self indulgence?

I'd like to think so at almost four in the morning as I procrastinate until the last possible second.

I have a creative writing assignment to finish but I'm typing all of my creative juices into this blog that only I read instead.


More like self indulgent.

I'm not sure I'll ever be good at making myself do things that I don't want to do.
It might be part of my self destructive nature.
For some reason, self sabotage is my biggest enemy.
I can succeed to a certain point and then for some unknown reason I will just stop.
I will fail on purpose.

A psychologist will have a field day diagnosing me with several social disorders and self deprecating thinking patterns.
Luckily, I know I'm not alone in this.

I know several other people my age and younger that have the same destructive tendencies.
It's quite sad how we can take a life full of opportunity and throw it away because we are afraid of success. Of what we'd have to be with that success.

I often wonder if I make any sense.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It absolutely makes sense and I definitely hear what you're saying. I was told that perfectionists are often procrastinators b/c we fear not getting it perfect the first time...or something to that effect.

The quote I have on my facebook sums up the source of it all: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, more than our darkness, which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous? But honestly, who are you to not be? While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same." - Marianne Williamson

I try to remind myself of these words, yet I still feel inadequate. Or maybe, it's not "inadequacy" that I feel. Maybe it's a fear of what will happen if I discover that I am not inadequate. What then? A fear what WILL come out of me..... Is that good enough? But for whom?

Anyway, I'm rambling I think. But the self-deprecation is definitely something I can relate to and I totally get what you're saying.