"Yes I have an appointment with Dr. [blank] for 12."
"Okay, Emily have a seat. He'll be with you shortly."
Fox News is on. Ugh.
Maybe I have a thyroid problem?
Do they really have to bash Obama so much? I mean, he really JUST got into office. Give the sexy black man a break.
I hate this channel.
I wonder if they'd scold me for changing it.
Has it really been 20 minutes? And that guy came in and got called right away. Nice.
Well I guess I'll just start texting everyone I know.
... and no one answers me. What? Does everyone have a life that I'm unaware of?
I'm going to kill this fat receptionist. Her voice is shrill and irritating and her laugh is nauseating.
12:33 Really? Really.
"Excuse me. Miss?"
"You're here to see Dr. [blank] right?"
Why is the receptionist pushing for me to be seen?
He has a Yeah Yeah Yeahs ringtone. Maybe he knows we share a liking for Karen O and her beer-spitting performances.
"Come this way... I only had half of my bagel!"
Maybe this time he'll get to me soon. There's no one else here. It's a Saturday.
"So what brings you in?"
"I've been feeling light-headed and dizzy lately and it's been kinda hard to breathe."
"Okay well just get onto the scale... okay now I'll take your blood pressure... How is it outside?"
Great. Small talk.
"It's really nice out. Not too hot. Kinda breezy."
"It was so weird. This morning I woke up with a headache around 7 and it was raining. Actually I went to bed with a headache as well. I've been getting really bad headaches lately. Well, he'll be in to see you shortly."
Wow. Thank you for your detailed description of your cerebral woes. I'm really a better person now for enduring that story.
And now she's complaining about the half of a bagel to someone again. This woman just loves to complain.
And again, the bagel.
ENOUGH WITH THE BAGEL.
WHY ISN'T THIS DOOR SOUND PROOF?
I hear my doctor's voice next door. Guess that's his office. Sounds like he's talking to his family on the phone about their car or something. Really "doctor"? You have a patient in the room next to you.
THE BAGEL AGAIN. GODDAMN IT.
Oh wow. My skin is terrible. Why do they have this mirror in here? And why is the lighting so harsh? Gross, Em. Gross.
Really tired of waiting. I should've just went to WebMD.com. So convenient and fast.
Good thing I've been waiting to see the doctor for an hour. I would've never found this splinter.
I only have two hairs on my right thumb knuckle. Weird.
Oh look. A window. My escape? I really don't care what might be wrong with me anymore. Fuck this noise.
I should just leave. He's still talking about nonsense next door.
"Bone density." Don't care. "Adults who have had chicken pox as a child are more at risk for shingles." Ah fuck something else to worry about.
"Hello? The door's locked."
Great. I finally get to see the doctor and they locked me in here.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize."
"It's okay sometimes it locks by itself."
Good to know if I was bleeding you'd be able to save me, doctor. You know, with your speedy appearance and unlocked doors.
"So what seems to be the problem?"
"Any experiences with asthma as a child?"
"It's probably just stress. Breathe deeply. Again. Again. Again. Any rapid weight loss or gain?"
Thanks for reminding me.
"I did gain some weight."
"Any pain in the back?"
Well when you're poking me in the back right now, so yes.
"Lay back. Any pain in the stomach?"
Ummmm yes, now there is.
"Well I'll order an EKG test. Then when that's done meet me next door."
Again. I'm alone in this room.
Oh good he's talking to a nurse.
Please don't be the same nurse with the headaches and bagels.
Oh good. A different one. She's wheeling a cart. Cool.
"Okay ever have one of these before?"
"Alright then. I have all these sticky things to stick onto you and then I hook ya up to this thing."
"Lift up your shirt. No more than that."
Sticky... hope it doesn't hurt ripping off the ones on my arm hair. Why do people shave their arms anyway?
"Okay looks good. You can just go next door."
His office is terrible. Nic-nacs and chachkies everywhere. What the fuck is that? A smiling carrot with carrot legs and arms. You've got to be fucking kidding me. That Buddha is pretty cool though.
"Okay so your last blood tests were fine. It's probably just stress. I can prescribe you something but it'll make you gain weight."
"What is it?"
"Uhh no thanks. Already on stuff like that. I see a nurse practitioner."
"Oh okay. Well then just take it easy and relax. If anything else happens, come on back."
Almost two hours and you diagnose "stress."
. . .