You phony bastards.

I've realized that I am a villain.

I take the "tragedies" in my life and hold onto them, harboring them deep within my heart.
Not the best way to live.

After all of these years of not liking Batman too much because he's not really a "super" hero, I'm starting to envy the fictional character's successes through his tragedies.

I am a villain, not a Batman.

Today, as I was ringing up an Asian woman, I also answered a phone and gave directions to our store.

When I hung up, the smiling Asian woman said, "You did that so well. You have such patience to do all those things at once... you know, patience is a virtue," and said my name as she read it from my nametag. She was so impressed with my multi-tasking that she was reduced to a stereotypical Asian, speaking in mystical terms.

Has anyone else had a cliche fortune cookie quote said to them by an Asian person as sincerely as this woman said it to me?

I think not.

I constantly live in fear of the day when I wake up and can't laugh at myself anymore.

The moment where I lie in bed and say,

"Shit. I'm fucked."

Yea. I'd say that's what I'm most afraid of.

Is it so wrong to get so bored with your life that you just want to fucking run into traffic?

Maybe it is.

Is it my fault that my life isn't exciting?

Probably. I'd rather not see it that way though.

But as long as I am surrounded by predictable people, generic gatherings and nothing remotely stimulating, I will imagine flinging myself into an oncoming 18 wheeler.

I'm not suicidal.
I'm just bored.

Today, my mother said to me, "You weren't always like this," referring to how unsatisfied I am with just about everything I do, and cynical to the point of being a killjoy at times.

It got me to think about how I got here.
Because she's right.
I wasn't always like "this."

My response was, "It's the people that have screwed me over... actually, it's because I lost faith in humanity."

She didn't like that.

Sometimes, I miss my optimistic view on life I had with a Capri-Sun and PB&J lunch or the occasional Lunchables package.

But then I'm brought back to the present where I work at a shitty retail job for just over minimum wage, on an island that would charge you to breathe if they could. I have several thousand dollars in loans to pay back in about a year, no idea what I'm going to "be" when I "grow up" and living in a nation where the economy is spiraling down the toilet of western civilization.

I wonder if this is growing up.
Or if it's growing up to be a cynical old hag.

Hermits have the right idea about life.
They are wiser than Mr. Owl from the Tootsie Roll Pop commercial.

Living a life free of societal binds and obligation.

Shit.

People in their general nature have made me consider running away into the woods and never returning to "civilized life."
I'm not saying that I'm better than everyone else and this is how I can free myself from the scum of the earth because everyone is the same when it comes to lowlife status.*
I'm saying that people have driven me to want nothing but to be alone for the rest of my life.
To live a life at my leisure without any outside pressure, any norms to be compared to and without any expectations to live up to.

I used to think that these people that isolate themselves are crazy.
But now, as I lie awake some nights, thinking of literal nothingness, I think they're brilliant.
With their experiences in cities, commuting to a dead end job with an abusive boss. The suburbs, with a family and a second marriage, mortgage, and ungrateful children, they've just thrown out all responsibility and any sort of ties to anyone but themselves.

Alone is so appealing.
I want it.


*We're all lowlifes. Adulterers, liars, rapists, abusers, thieves, racists. I've accepted it. You should too.