"Brick by Boring Brick"

Haunting Bubble Dreams

You sing to me, I hear you tell me that I told you, my heart is dead.
Are my pumping ventricles not proof enough for you?
I push air through the wand, bury myself, unsafe in your fragile soap circles.
Did I know you in a dream?
I watch as you float past.
Where’d you go?
An empty vessel, I’m trying to understand.
What does it feel like, being transparent?
Worry lines on a bubble’s ghost can never be seen.
Baby, I’m just as worried,
Just as worried as you float on and write about me.

FTL: January 4, 2010

My baby sister looked at me, said, “I want to die.”
Those eyes that had looked at me with such life, such adoration, are stained in heartbreak and disappointment
Those lips that ate my cherry lip balm and crayons now let pills and vodka pass through
My mom, she blames herself for “diseasing” her daughters
My dad, he feels he should have been there to stop the monster
I didn’t mean to put the idea in her head back one year, two months, 13 days, seven hours ago
in a hospital wearing an itchy gown that rubbed up against my bare skin
I’m sorry momma, for failing as an older sister
I’m sorry dad, for not teaching her how to be safe
I eat my pills daily, the same pills that she eats now, and we are bonded
Medication management
Post traumatic stress disorder
Bi-polar disorder
Major depression
Sooner or later we won’t need pills & diagnosing to bond

Ticking Time Bomb

You found me hidden under the floorboards
My wires are crossed & connected poorly
They twisted my insides up
Time is running out
Make your decision, handle it carefully
But don’t touch me like you love me
The pin that holds me together
It might fall out

Wifey

I have this toy
I play with him when I am lonely
I play house with him
I make him dinner & drink tea while I wait for the cookies to bake
And I kiss him lightly on the lips & he smiles at me

I have this toy
I play with him when I am lonely
I play house with him
When I miss you

It’s not me that you love.

I make myself a luxury hotel for meaningless men to sleep in
Because the meaningful will not move in & make me his home

I am loved.

I wish I could wrap myself in this feeling forever.
Like a blanket.
And never have to feel the cold.

Sometimes

I feel like the world is pushing
Pushing
Down
And it gets harder
For me
to breathe
I
gasp
and savor the air
But the world keeps
Pushing
Pushing

Maximum Frustration

Under my mattress is a broken piece of wood
We broke it in half with our weight
You pushed me out of your life
So I wished I never met you
And I shoveled a path through the bullshit you left
But the wood support is a splintered reminder
Of when I was grateful I met you
Still, I wish we could break seven more

"I'll never sing of love, if it does not exist."

I'm not sure exactly why I'm sitting here.
Why I'm wasting my time typing this instead of paying attention.
But I know I'm not anywhere near the person I want to be.


I wonder why people like me.
I wonder how I've been this fortunate for so long.
If I knew me, I wouldn't like me.

If I could accept myself, I think I'd be happier.
And maybe even be able to commit to romantic relationship.


My mind is everywhere but where it should be lately.
I suppose that's the most frustrating part of my life at the moment.

I'm crushing on a girl for the first time ever.

The loop bus seems like it could be fun to just ride all day long.

I'm a text-mistress.
Sext messaging a boy that has a girlfriend.

The boy I want is after his English professor.
She's reciprocating, and I'm here. Stuck.
Adds to the ridiculous unfortunate situations that make up my life.

Self destruct button is where again?

"You and me and the bottle make three... this bottle's gonna take us both to an early grave... let me be your swear word."

"Biffles on beaches." - Baby Feet

He's been supportive of me for years.
Despite my shortcomings.
I'm trying to give back to him as much as I can.
But unfortunately, I can only give so much in this area.
His band is touring NY-TX in March and they need bones, bones and more bones.

Help me support my best friend.

Acidic Hope

Rainbow paper hallucinogens,
It's what he calls salvation.

Money spent on an escape,
He never knows when to stop.
He doesn't value reality.

He asked for another chance.
He promised no more and he lied.
I couldn't be his rainbow.
I think he made me up in his head.

"Me, I'm a fighter."

Lately, I feel like these songs are about me.

Some of these songs reminded people of me, and I'm not sure I'm okay with that.

These songs are all about... well, lonely and "broken" girls.

I refuse to be that.

I am not that.

"Stella Was a Diver" - Interpol

"Knock 'Em Out" - Lily Allen (really for the line, "I have herpes," at the very end. haha)

"Let Me Down" - No Use For a Name

"Thrash Unreal" - Against Me! (minus the drugs... well at least on my end.)

"Anna Lucia" - Trophy Scars

"Balloon Ideas" - Ghost Mall

...oh wait. That last one actually is about me. Check Ghost Mall out (if you haven't already) and be amazed.

LTT, I Hate You, 143

Let's get high, spreading out on my kitchen floor

Across the days you knew my kisses so well you described them to me

and I'll forget everything you'll turn into tomorrow

Cigarette, stale breath, warm nights, cold feet

A moment's worth is never worth enough to me

Get this- you were the last thing I thought I'd miss

Dancing, laughing, loathing, jealousy

who is she?

who is she?

who is she?

Not me, never been

Our time is up

Will you miss me?

Fruit Punch Juicy Juice

It's November and although the view from my apartment is beautiful, I am uninspired and, of course, anxious.

I still had a left over xaney bar from a friend so I took that to get some sleep last night.

Too bad I slept through the whole day because of it.

Empty. Cold. Uninterested.

Just... don't care.

It feels quite terrible to be up this late (or early?) and just not give a shit about anything.

It's depressing and lonely.

Do I have seasonal affect disorder?

I periodically pull away from people and hibernate this time of year and start to become difficult to be around.

At least there is someone in my life that doesn't know what I was like before.

And I don't have to tell them about it if I don't want to.

They'll spend 84 minutes on the phone with me and say that they miss me.

I can feel good for 84 minutes.

Sometimes, when I am awake at 4am, I hope that someone is also awake and thinking the same things... it makes me feel less alone.