"Run quick, they're behind us, didn't think we'd ever make it."

I could drive my self crazy over things I don't understand, or I can just accept the fact that I will never understand everything.
And just take life as seriously as a Will Ferrell* movie.



I'm 22 years old and I think I'm finally starting to get "it."
Whatever "it" is.



*Who names their son Magnus?

"And I don't really give a damn about falling in love."

I think the title of this post says it all.

I've been finding joy in other things.
Music.
Colorful wayfarer sunglasses.
Driving with the windows down.
Hayley Williams.

The last thing, that has only developed recently, is children.

My dad's cousin (my first cousin once removed?) has a son named Ranger.
He's the best little two year old boy I have ever met.
I fell in love with him within the first five minutes I spent with him at a family party.
It's only then did I even consider bearing children in my future.
I have the hips for it anyway.

Problem:
Tradition has etched, "Fall in love. Get married (or not). Have kids," into my psyche.

I don't give a shit about romantic love. I haven't really since high school. It's been more of an inconvenience in my experience anyway. It's gotten in my way too many times. Besides, that shit fades. You're constantly changing. And so is the person you love. So I shit on romantic love.
Fuckin' buuuull-shit.
The only love that I believe that's long lasting is the love a mother and child have.
The way Ranger looked at his mother and the way she looked at him... I think I'm beginning to understand.

Maybe this is all just my biological clock ticking.
Ugh. I think I've gone soft.

"I called her on the phone and she touched herself. I laughed myself to sleep."

The past several weeks, I've been joking about becoming a phone sex operator.

But if you really think about it... just who are these people that take on this profession?
Actors?
Nymphos?
Lonely people?

I wonder if that's where some porn stars start out.
If you know how to fake it over the phone, you can fake it in front of a camera.

I'm not judging. If you're good at something, embrace it.
Even if it is between the hours of 1 & 5am...

Wash my mouth out with soap...

Some days, this world just makes me want to be a fucking bastard of a person.
I'm so full of hate that I just want to shoot everyone down.
For revenge.
For every fuck-ass who's thought they were better than everyone else and treated people like shit.
For cunt-rockets that run away from confrontation and hide behind their computer screens.
For misogynists, racists and homophobes that make life a whole lot more difficult than it has to be.
For every guy/girl that told you you're a good fuck, but they weren't ready for a relationship and then started dating your lab partner the next day.
For every fucking facebook message, IM or text I got from some asshole boy who thought they could "save" me from whatever demons they thought I needed saving from.

So I'm writing a book about the people I have had the MISFORTUNE of meeting.
The people that made me feel like there are few generally good people in this world.
Because there are.
I'm a firm believer in that every person is capable of being either kind and decent or a big fuckin' fuckhead. Everyone has a choice.
For some reason, most of the people I've met chose to be big fuckin' selfish fuckheads.

I choose to be kind and decent, but some days, goddamn, it's hard.
And then I remind myself that I would be lumped in with the rest of the mother fuckers in this world, so I continue being good.

...I didn't say I chose the easy path.

"Heart is in the right place, brain is in the dirt."

Lately, my heart has been aching.
It's been aching for a number of things.

Self-awareness.
Self-acceptance.
A better body image.
Hope for and faith in love.
A sense of justified entitlement.


These are the things I had once. These are the things I plan on having again.
It's just frustrating that I can't have them now.
I'm working towards Happy. And that does count for something.
My calendar is filled with exed out days and every day that slips by makes me feel that Happy will never come.

I think I'm the only one I know who can accomplish being called "hot" and then "fat" in the same day.

My friends are snoring.

Parauresis - fear of urinating in public restrooms.

Does anyone else have an insane amount of anxiety and fear once they're even near a public bathroom?
'Cause they terrify me.
Of course, I've pretty much had to use them before, but only recently have I been able to suck it up and pee. Before that, I would wait and wait until the last possible second and hope I was near home and or someone's house. I'll bet a pack of cigarettes that my bladder hates me.
I'd have to say that the worst bathroom experience was in Penn Station, right by the LI tracks.

Dis. Gus. Ting.

A vivid memory I have is a girl vomitting in the sinks and then turning around to leave and having the ridiculous, uncovered air conditioner blowing dust into my face.
Since then, they have redone the facilities and it does have a nicer appearance.
But it's still a public bathroom. Ew.

I hate the time of morning when Nick at Night ends and Nick Jr. starts. Too many bright colors moving quickly on the screen.

Well, I think I should go because it's time for a Backyardigan seizure.

"I've got these last 12 bucks to spend on you."

This summer, my group of friends and I have been finding alternate ways to be frugal with our money, but still have as much fun.
That's because just two out of the six of us have jobs.

We're just four among the 11.6 million people who are unemployed as of January 2009.

"Over the past 12 months, the number of unemployed persons has increased by 4.1 million and the unemployment rate has risen by 2.7 percentage points," as reported by the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

With the economy in shambles, it's no surprise that none of us can get hired.
As much as people aren't making money, businesses are still jacking up their prices.
It makes sense because they're also in trouble. Plenty of chain restaurants and clothing stores have shut down some locations to save money. There have also been a lot more sales and "free shipping & handling" deals. But, how do poor, in-debt college students and graduates have fun on Long Island for the summer?

-Movies: Seem to be more and more expensive every time I come home from school, where it only costs $6.50 at regular price and $4.00 for the matinee. Here, we spend about $11.00 for a movie past 5pm and $8.25 during the matinee. So, that takes movies out of the equation.
-Bars: We're all at least 21 this summer, something we've all been waiting for for about four long years. But wait- Long Island bar covers can be up to $10.00 and the cheap drinks are around $6.00. Never mind what top shelf liquor costs.
-NYC: Long Island is so close to the city that never sleeps. And there's just so much to do once you're there that the possibilities are endless. I don't have to say it. You already know. It's fucking expensive. The Applebee's in Times Square is almost double what it costs to eat at the Applebee's right up the block from where I live. Applebee's. It's not fine french cuisine. It's frozen food heated up and brought to you. What the fuck. And the LIRR costs about $20.00 round trip from where I live.


So my friends and I stay in and play video games on Wii, make perfect families for The Sims, watch or rent movies, throw a frisbee around in a park and sit on some swings, play Taboo or drink cheap wine and beer while playing "Kings."

We have no money.
Give us money.