Acidic Hope

Rainbow paper hallucinogens,
It's what he calls salvation.

Money spent on an escape,
He never knows when to stop.
He doesn't value reality.

He asked for another chance.
He promised no more and he lied.
I couldn't be his rainbow.
I think he made me up in his head.

"Me, I'm a fighter."

Lately, I feel like these songs are about me.

Some of these songs reminded people of me, and I'm not sure I'm okay with that.

These songs are all about... well, lonely and "broken" girls.

I refuse to be that.

I am not that.

"Stella Was a Diver" - Interpol

"Knock 'Em Out" - Lily Allen (really for the line, "I have herpes," at the very end. haha)

"Let Me Down" - No Use For a Name

"Thrash Unreal" - Against Me! (minus the drugs... well at least on my end.)

"Anna Lucia" - Trophy Scars

"Balloon Ideas" - Ghost Mall

...oh wait. That last one actually is about me. Check Ghost Mall out (if you haven't already) and be amazed.

LTT, I Hate You, 143

Let's get high, spreading out on my kitchen floor

Across the days you knew my kisses so well you described them to me

and I'll forget everything you'll turn into tomorrow

Cigarette, stale breath, warm nights, cold feet

A moment's worth is never worth enough to me

Get this- you were the last thing I thought I'd miss

Dancing, laughing, loathing, jealousy

who is she?

who is she?

who is she?

Not me, never been

Our time is up

Will you miss me?

Fruit Punch Juicy Juice

It's November and although the view from my apartment is beautiful, I am uninspired and, of course, anxious.

I still had a left over xaney bar from a friend so I took that to get some sleep last night.

Too bad I slept through the whole day because of it.

Empty. Cold. Uninterested.

Just... don't care.

It feels quite terrible to be up this late (or early?) and just not give a shit about anything.

It's depressing and lonely.

Do I have seasonal affect disorder?

I periodically pull away from people and hibernate this time of year and start to become difficult to be around.

At least there is someone in my life that doesn't know what I was like before.

And I don't have to tell them about it if I don't want to.

They'll spend 84 minutes on the phone with me and say that they miss me.

I can feel good for 84 minutes.

Sometimes, when I am awake at 4am, I hope that someone is also awake and thinking the same things... it makes me feel less alone.

"It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, Because my dreams are bursting at the seams"

I just want a sense of normalcy.

And this goddamn anxiety to stop.

It makes me feel like an insecure teenager again.

I'm scared to actually talk about how bad it gets- about how hard it is for me to convince myself to go outside some days.

But I'm more scared of how bad it got last year.

Where do you find the courage to do swallow up your pride and ask for help?

Usually I find it in my friends.

I can't always though.

Especially lately.

This blog is really the only time I "talk" about how I've felt in the past several months, mostly because I feel I don't have a best friend anymore.

Fuck this.

I might erase this post soon enough anyway.

Something's telling me that these feelings need to stay internalized.

Someone to hold my hand would be nice right about now.

Hope I can convince myself to get out of myself's way today...

"She lives in a fairy tale, Somewhere too far for us to find, Forgotten the taste and smell, Of the world that she’s left behind"

Lately, I've been so sick that I've had no idea where I am.

I was vomiting for six hours on and off, sweating out a fever in the middle of my sleep and so achy that moving from my bed was a chore.

A possible case of the flu passed through my thoughts at one point.

But thanks to my resilient immune system, I'm fine now.

As if nothing ever happened to me.

It'll take a while to get my appetite back because I haven't eaten anything substantial since Saturday night, really, but it looks like I'll be back to normal soon enough.

Now, why can't I bounce back emotionally?

I know so many people that stay sick for weeks but can let the emotional details roll off of their backs like the disgusting man-made lake water off of the mallard ducks on campus.

Why can't I have that?

Why is my body no longer aching for health, but my mind aching for my celexa?

I detoxed myself over three months ago.

One of my best friends is right. I "don't need a crutch."

But it helped. I was focused. I wasn't up late stressing and worrying myself into anxiety attacks over things that are out of my control.

It wasn't my crutch. It was emotional braces that I was going to get removed eventually anyway... my teeth were going to be straight once I wore them long enough. The prescription had a promise attached to it.

Maybe I'm jaded, but at least I don't still believe that someone on a white horse will save me. That's even more deluded.

So while I don't "need" it, I do actually need it... if that makes any sense.

I need to stop making late night metaphors.

"We all learn to make mistakes and run from them, from them"

After spending seven years in the dating world, I finally have a criteria.
Criteria that isn't just, "dark eyes, dark hair, has a sister and is somewhat musically inclined."
I should've done that a long time ago.
But I guess when you don't love yourself, you feel you don't deserve to be picky.
And it's not even being picky. It's having standards because you love yourself and you don't think you should settle.

My person will:

+ Have opinions. And not all of them have to line up with mine. I like debates anyway.
+ Be passionate about something. Preferably, be an activist.
+ Like to go out AND stay in. Variety is good.
+ Be ready for and open to anything. But still have their limits of course, because we all do.
+ Appreciate and support my talents and interests.
+ Like that I have zombie dreams.
+ Not mind that I love Paramore and High School Musical and Gossip Girl.
+ Encourage me to be my best and let me know that it's okay to sometimes be at my worst.

These are things I believe to make up an actual long-lasting relationship.
Hell, all of my close friends are up to par, why shouldn't a romantic interest be as well?