"I'll never sing of love, if it does not exist."

I'm not sure exactly why I'm sitting here.
Why I'm wasting my time typing this instead of paying attention.
But I know I'm not anywhere near the person I want to be.


I wonder why people like me.
I wonder how I've been this fortunate for so long.
If I knew me, I wouldn't like me.

If I could accept myself, I think I'd be happier.
And maybe even be able to commit to romantic relationship.


My mind is everywhere but where it should be lately.
I suppose that's the most frustrating part of my life at the moment.

I'm crushing on a girl for the first time ever.

The loop bus seems like it could be fun to just ride all day long.

I'm a text-mistress.
Sext messaging a boy that has a girlfriend.

The boy I want is after his English professor.
She's reciprocating, and I'm here. Stuck.
Adds to the ridiculous unfortunate situations that make up my life.

Self destruct button is where again?

"You and me and the bottle make three... this bottle's gonna take us both to an early grave... let me be your swear word."

"Biffles on beaches." - Baby Feet

He's been supportive of me for years.
Despite my shortcomings.
I'm trying to give back to him as much as I can.
But unfortunately, I can only give so much in this area.
His band is touring NY-TX in March and they need bones, bones and more bones.

Help me support my best friend.

Acidic Hope

Rainbow paper hallucinogens,
It's what he calls salvation.

Money spent on an escape,
He never knows when to stop.
He doesn't value reality.

He asked for another chance.
He promised no more and he lied.
I couldn't be his rainbow.
I think he made me up in his head.

"Me, I'm a fighter."

Lately, I feel like these songs are about me.

Some of these songs reminded people of me, and I'm not sure I'm okay with that.

These songs are all about... well, lonely and "broken" girls.

I refuse to be that.

I am not that.

"Stella Was a Diver" - Interpol

"Knock 'Em Out" - Lily Allen (really for the line, "I have herpes," at the very end. haha)

"Let Me Down" - No Use For a Name

"Thrash Unreal" - Against Me! (minus the drugs... well at least on my end.)

"Anna Lucia" - Trophy Scars

"Balloon Ideas" - Ghost Mall

...oh wait. That last one actually is about me. Check Ghost Mall out (if you haven't already) and be amazed.

LTT, I Hate You, 143

Let's get high, spreading out on my kitchen floor

Across the days you knew my kisses so well you described them to me

and I'll forget everything you'll turn into tomorrow

Cigarette, stale breath, warm nights, cold feet

A moment's worth is never worth enough to me

Get this- you were the last thing I thought I'd miss

Dancing, laughing, loathing, jealousy

who is she?

who is she?

who is she?

Not me, never been

Our time is up

Will you miss me?

Fruit Punch Juicy Juice

It's November and although the view from my apartment is beautiful, I am uninspired and, of course, anxious.

I still had a left over xaney bar from a friend so I took that to get some sleep last night.

Too bad I slept through the whole day because of it.

Empty. Cold. Uninterested.

Just... don't care.

It feels quite terrible to be up this late (or early?) and just not give a shit about anything.

It's depressing and lonely.

Do I have seasonal affect disorder?

I periodically pull away from people and hibernate this time of year and start to become difficult to be around.

At least there is someone in my life that doesn't know what I was like before.

And I don't have to tell them about it if I don't want to.

They'll spend 84 minutes on the phone with me and say that they miss me.

I can feel good for 84 minutes.

Sometimes, when I am awake at 4am, I hope that someone is also awake and thinking the same things... it makes me feel less alone.

"It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, Because my dreams are bursting at the seams"

I just want a sense of normalcy.

And this goddamn anxiety to stop.

It makes me feel like an insecure teenager again.

I'm scared to actually talk about how bad it gets- about how hard it is for me to convince myself to go outside some days.

But I'm more scared of how bad it got last year.

Where do you find the courage to do swallow up your pride and ask for help?

Usually I find it in my friends.

I can't always though.

Especially lately.

This blog is really the only time I "talk" about how I've felt in the past several months, mostly because I feel I don't have a best friend anymore.

Fuck this.

I might erase this post soon enough anyway.

Something's telling me that these feelings need to stay internalized.

Someone to hold my hand would be nice right about now.

Hope I can convince myself to get out of myself's way today...