"But when they robbed her of her infinite smile, she said, 'Maybe I'll just play dead for a while.'"

"What happened to you?"

It's a daily struggle to accept myself for who I am and to deal with that question from people that love me.

The funny thing is, I can't even answer it.
I have no idea what happened to me.
I grew up?
I found out people are full of shit?

If I could answer the question, I think I'd feel much better about who I am.

I feel like my present doesn't match with my past.

Sure I make people laugh now. Sure I am a stronger person now.
But I'm not the girl with the big dreams and plans anymore.
I'm not the girl that wanted to be a Broadway star and truly believed she'd make it there.
I'm not the girl that believes that, "the greatest thing is to love and be loved in return."

Friends might say that I am still that girl and that I'm really not the type of person that I am right now.
But if they're so positive about that, then why can't I be?

I'm just trying to accept and love myself. It may not be the way that others think I should go about things, but I can't accept myself if I keep thinking about who I was.

She's long gone.

If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived?

"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions." - Alfred Lord Tennyson

It's been a while since I've written about something that makes me laugh in its face... well, if it actually had a specific face, I'd be laughing in that general direction.

People who claim they are not passionate about anything.
How do you even get out of bed in the morning?
What are you really living for?

The best people I have met are passionate about music, art, love, human or animal rights, academia, law, science...
I know several people that are floating along without any sort of drive.
I've known one of these people for close to a decade now, and they have never expressed anything they were passionate about. They fall into things and although they don't have any interest in it, they carry on and that's fine with them.
Sometimes I wonder if that's why they're unhappy most of the time.
There probably is something that they are passionate about, but it's nothing that's been surfaced.
At one point there was a person that they were in love with for years. They finally dated this person, but things died, ending pretty badly and I'm sure that's when my friend's passion left.

I care about them, so I'm left to worry. I just want them to be happy.
I truly believe that to be happy, you need passion.

What happened to you that you lost it?
Where did it go?

"In love with conflict and conflicted by choice."

Today was an interesting day.

I feel that once in a while, everyone has a day like I did today where everything they think they knew gets muddled and jumbled.

In this blog, I've written about what I think makes a person good or bad.
I've written about how people have choices and they are defined by them.

Every choice a person makes has an impact on someone else, whether they know it or not.

Are you a bad person for not making the right choices?
I'm not sure that's a judgment I am qualified to make.

Am I doing all I can to make a difference in this world, being kind and honest and mindful?

Sometimes I falter. As everyone does.

Maybe what I see as being a "bad" person is someone making the wrong choice. Nothing more.
After all, everything in life is relative. Everything is based on personal opinion from upbringing, religion and society's standards.

This entry could really go on forever questioning every aspect of life, but I won't bore the people that graciously take the time to read this. Carrying on philosophic rants was never my strong point.


On a completely different subject, I need to work on my sentence structure. My apologies to my creative writing and journalism professors.

Oh, and remember children... no hardcore dancing in the living room.
Someone could lose an eye.

"You're scheming on a thing that's sabotage"

I ruined someone's life via facebook today.
Well, at least damaged his ego.
The green is me. The pink is the poor girlfriend.


Yesterday at 12:44am
You don't know me but, your boyfriend has been talking to me, having phone sex with me and trying to get me to come see him.
He never mentioned he was with you and when I confronted him about it, he said that it was a "complicated situation" and kept talking to me.
I felt it was my moral responsibility as a decent person to tell you just what kind of person your boyfriend really is.

I'm sorry if this causes you pain in any way, I don't mean to attack you or mess anything up and if you do decide to ignore this, just know that you deserve better than him and no one deserves to be treated this way.

I told [name] that I wouldn't say anything to you, but if I were in your shoes, I'd rather know.

Again, I'm really sorry and I only wish you the best.

Today at 2:10pm

Wow thanks for letting me know. This doesn't come to any suprise to me I had a feeling something was up.

The only thing that I dont understand is that you knew we were together so why were you still fucking around with him?

Today at 2:13pm
He kept trying to convince me it was all okay and that you weren't really together.
It wasn't okay and I would hate to be your position. So I told him off.
And here we are.
: /

Today at 2:19pm

Yea I understand, he's a scum bag. I was actually supposed to be hanging out with him in like an hour, lets just say thats not happening anymore. How do you even know him?

Today at 2:27pm

Here's the whole ridiculous story.

It's embarrassing to admit, but I met him through the site [censored].
I messaged him because his user name was "[censored]" or something like that and I really like that band.

We started talking back in June a lot and then he just stopped talking to me all together, so I just dropped it. No big loss 'cause I barely knew him.

Then out of no where about a week or two ago, he asked me to come out to his house for the weekend because his parents were away.

That didn't happen. When we friended each other on facebook, I realized that he was "in a relationship" and I told him I couldn't do that.

He spent a while trying to convince me it was okay, that you guys were in an in between time and that it didn't matter, so I thought about it and liked the attention he was giving me, to be completely honest, so I said okay.

Then I really thought about it. And couldn't stop feeling terrible.
And realized not only was he hurting you, but he was also using me hardcore. I wasn't about to let him get away with those things.

Do yourself a favor and cut and run now.
He's really not worth your time. You seem like such a sweet and kind person. He's told me about how into drugs he is and that's just unattractive as well. You don't need that. I'm not trying to give you advice, but... all signs point to DIRT BAG with this guy.

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Today at 2:52pm

Wow that's interesting. I'm so pissed at him, thank you so much for letting me know. All the things that you're telling me let me know how real it is and that you're not lying because they all sound 100% true.

Today at 2:56pm

Just for my knowing, when was the last time you two spoke?

Today at 3:00pm

I have no reason to lie about anything I have said to you.
And you've been lied to enough already.

Good luck with everything.
I hope that you are happy with whatever comes of this situation.

I'm so sorry for everything again.
I'm really glad facebook exists.

Today at 3:01pm

That would be yesterday.
When I asked him one final time, "Are you with your girlfriend or what?"

Today at 3:05pm

You know I was saying the same exact thing. I guess facebook ruins people but at the same time it allows for situations like this to happen and I'm so greatful that you said something to me, that takes a lot of courage.

Did he ever respond?

Today at 3:08pm

Yes he said, "I told you we are, but it's just a messed up situation," something like that, basically everything he was telling me since I found out.

Thank you for understanding.

Today at 3:15pm

Alright well I hope you don't mind, I confronted him. I didn't know what else to do.

Today at 3:30pm

Nope. Don't mind at all.


...it's actually exactly what I wanted...

"Run quick, they're behind us, didn't think we'd ever make it."

I could drive my self crazy over things I don't understand, or I can just accept the fact that I will never understand everything.
And just take life as seriously as a Will Ferrell* movie.



I'm 22 years old and I think I'm finally starting to get "it."
Whatever "it" is.



*Who names their son Magnus?

"And I don't really give a damn about falling in love."

I think the title of this post says it all.

I've been finding joy in other things.
Music.
Colorful wayfarer sunglasses.
Driving with the windows down.
Hayley Williams.

The last thing, that has only developed recently, is children.

My dad's cousin (my first cousin once removed?) has a son named Ranger.
He's the best little two year old boy I have ever met.
I fell in love with him within the first five minutes I spent with him at a family party.
It's only then did I even consider bearing children in my future.
I have the hips for it anyway.

Problem:
Tradition has etched, "Fall in love. Get married (or not). Have kids," into my psyche.

I don't give a shit about romantic love. I haven't really since high school. It's been more of an inconvenience in my experience anyway. It's gotten in my way too many times. Besides, that shit fades. You're constantly changing. And so is the person you love. So I shit on romantic love.
Fuckin' buuuull-shit.
The only love that I believe that's long lasting is the love a mother and child have.
The way Ranger looked at his mother and the way she looked at him... I think I'm beginning to understand.

Maybe this is all just my biological clock ticking.
Ugh. I think I've gone soft.

"I called her on the phone and she touched herself. I laughed myself to sleep."

The past several weeks, I've been joking about becoming a phone sex operator.

But if you really think about it... just who are these people that take on this profession?
Actors?
Nymphos?
Lonely people?

I wonder if that's where some porn stars start out.
If you know how to fake it over the phone, you can fake it in front of a camera.

I'm not judging. If you're good at something, embrace it.
Even if it is between the hours of 1 & 5am...